autumn reflections

Sunday, January 11, 2009 @ 8:28 PM

There's Hope In The Horizon

Relink: http://www.xanga.com/tracingtracy

It wasn't just alliteration awesome, there's more to it than meets the eye.

Seriously.

& yes, it took this sentimental creature this long to convince herself it's OKAY to use default themes. Here's to Xanga and my very first time using a theme not created by me.

:/

I almost feel like deleting that and just coming back home.

Maybe I will...

but for now! The real post is over there!

"Autumn burned brightly, a running flame through the mountains, a torch flung to the trees."

Tuesday, June 24, 2008 @ 10:08 PM

Expectations

H=R/E, or happiness equals reality divided by expectation - was based on the universal truth that you always had some expectation for what was to come. In other words, E was always a real number, since you could not divide by zero.

Everyone knew that if you divided reality by expectation, you got a happiness quotient. But when you inverted the equation - expectation divided by reality - you didn't get the opposite of happiness. What you got, was hope.

Pure logic: Assuming reality was constant, expectation had to be greater than reality to create optimism. On the other hand, a pessimist was someone with expectations lower than reality, a fraction of diminishing returns. The human condition meant that this number approached zero without reaching it - you never really completely gave up hope; it might come flooding back at any provocation.

Someone who was happy would have little need to hope for change. But, conversely an optimistic person was that way because he wanted to believe in something better than his reality.

The economics of happiness? Who're they trying to kid.

You always had an expectation for what's to come? Perhaps.

That's why the return of results in week 3 is so daunting. After the last time... my confidence has fallen to an all time low. There is no way I am going to be able to stop my hands and feet from freezing up on 8th July.

That's why expectation cannot be greater than reality for this case. In fact, don't even expect. Just.. realize it. Maybe that'd be better. Maybe that way, everyone would actually be happier.

& maybe that way, I don't have to be forced to see the expressions on everyone's faces. The same, loathsome expression: disappointment.

Oh who's the blasted creature who came up with expectations. I need to strangle something, someone - him/her in particular would be extra lovely.

***

Of living in the countryside with a cosy cottage with white picket fences and a beautiful garden/meadow with vines where my dogs and white horses will roam freely and where I'll sit on the white swing on the patio, sipping tea with my pinky out, watching the world go by and feeling blessed. & the next thing I know, Shu Hui will send over some freshly squeezed milk from her many many cows and her many dimpled children (with "nice" names like Georgnia) will come running over to ride the horses.

There are no cops in the countryside Shu Hui.

But we can both still be neighbours! (:

***

I can't decide.

What're you supposed to wear to dinner with people you have never met in your entire life but your lives were woven together anyway because of one life changing event?

In fact,

What're you supposed to converse about over dinner in the first place?

Are you obliged to say anything? Fall to your knees, make a scene, and start worshiping them with words of gratitude?

I think not.

But it still doesn't get rid of the fact that... I'm nervous about the whole thing.

Heck I'm even finding it difficult to choose what to wear! How am I supposed to compose myself and you know, make it through dinner?!

This, is gonna be one helluva awkward dinner.

Somebody save me.

But as always - BIG SIGH - I'll make it through by some sheer stroke of luck and charm.

"Autumn burned brightly, a running flame through the mountains, a torch flung to the trees."

Sunday, June 22, 2008 @ 10:53 PM

This is it, again

I thought I felt like posting,

I was mistaken.

Here's to a brand new chapter all over again.

Bless our souls.

"Autumn burned brightly, a running flame through the mountains, a torch flung to the trees."

Saturday, June 21, 2008 @ 10:25 PM

What if?

Life was what happened when all the what-if's didn't, when what you dreamed or hoped or - in this case - feared might come to pass passed by instead.

I finally found a packet of candy that I've been searching for for the past three years. It was a joy beyond comprehension when I lay my hands on the packet and exclaimed to mummy that I had finally found it.

You see, this wasn't just any other candy. (besides, anyone who knows me well would know I'm not exactly fond of candy to begin with) This was the exact same candy that Mama Janet used to give me back in those days when we still went back to Penang frequently and when I still thought the world was a beautiful place. Don't get me wrong, I still do.. but it has changed, of course.

It isn't particularly exotic or extraordinary considering it's just a sour plum coated with a layer of hard candy - candy that was etched in my memories as one of exquisite flavour that I actually enjoyed tasting.

I nearly ran to the counter to check out the item in delight and in my euphoria almost knocked down a couple of people I bet. When I had payed for the item and it was safe to open, I carefully studied every bit of the packaging and closing my eyes for a split second I could already taste the sweetness mixed with the delicate sourness filling my mouth. Ripping open the packaging, a certain feeling coursed through my body. It was the same feeling that coursed through my system every time I completed a jig-saw puzzle or say, accomplished some mission or other. It was the feeling of accomplishment.

But it went horribly from there. The moment my tastebuds came into contact with my newly discovered treasure, I knew something wasn't right. The taste... after so many years of anticipation just wasn't right. It just wasn't the same taste I had remembered from my childhood.

& it left me disappointed beyond reason.

---

The anticipation all these 3 years ever since my first craving for the sweet again, the search for it, the adventure.. all of it was definitely more.. happyfying

Then what awaited me at the very end.

This is when I look at the grand scheme of things and think: That maybe, the endings are overrated. That the search, the journey, is so much more pleasant then the end results.

What if everything was this way?

What if... everything I am hoping for, holding on to.. just won't come true?

What if everything I'm using to motivate myself now is all that it is.. just a dream?

What if I run out of time?

I keep reminding myself of the things on my list and even adding certain things to do from time to time.. things that I pledge I'll do whatever possible to accomplish before I die. Things that I say I will do..later. But the truth is, who can say for certain there is a later?

Life is so fragile it could shatter at any moment - this I definitely don't need anyone pointing out for me.

& if there is only a now, why am I wasting it away doing what others want me to do? Why am I not doing the things I truly want to do?

This is all pointless, i know. Because when all is said and done, I am still but a teenager, living in the city that tries too hard and I have no right over my life...yet.

I'm just holding on to whatever belief I can fuel now that I will get my time to live my life the way I want to and not be held back my life's bonds. You know, just break free and live.. like we should all live: like it's the very last moment, every moment.
---

It was a case of hopes dashed, again.

This is why you should never keep your hopes up too high. The higher you pin them up, the longer you'll spend watching it slowly fall down - agonizing and excruciating as it journeys its certain fall back to terra firma.

& this is why the pursuit of happyness may only be a pursuit. You will never actually attain it... but it's the pursuit that matters..

So does this mean I won't be getting entirely what I want but will enjoy the process of searching for it anyway?

"Autumn burned brightly, a running flame through the mountains, a torch flung to the trees."

Wednesday, June 18, 2008 @ 10:52 PM

The June Break

FLASHBACK: May 15th - My 16th
From the start, my sweet sixteenth falling on study day was immensely harsh. I know I keep reminding myself there's nothing so great about 16 but then again, you can't fault me for having all those ideals about sweetness on sixteenth despite all now can you.

It really made spending most of my birthday at my study desk mugging seem like nothing at all. My friends make my life great. I genuinely have a bunch of the world's greatest friends. All the messages streaming in every hour lightened the spirit of the otherwise harsh day. All the little greetings made me smile. N then there was half the round tables, surprising me at the gate with my cake n song. N the balloon n shuyi's gift n janice's annual pencil card. Sigh I guess the day did end off on a joyous n sweet note.

Not forgetting it did begin with a two hour phone conference with GRG which also meant a lot. But I can't deny that deep down, I wish the timing was better. I guess it will still be a "memorable" birthday... But not exactly one that I had in mind... Years down the road when I look back, I guess I'll remember it as the day I had to spend studying but then getting a pleasant surprise n visit from some of the very bestest friends in the world.

You can't have everything. .

N this birthday, I really didn't.

But it's the ending that counts... Right?

---

FLASHBACK: May 28th (selected extracts from a random musing)
Have been going back to school every day n coming back late cos of meetings. N of course the talking sessions after the work's done. I guess I can say I've been enjoying the work thus far. Maybe the holiday mood does make things seem a lot easier.

You know I wonder whether i'll really remember the things I write about when I look back. Is there really a use in keeping all these updates n random musings? I sure hope so.

Cos like so many other events in my life, I sure don't wanna forget a single thing from the whole council experience.

Cheering at mediacorp today. A whole 6 hours there. Dinner at macs serenecentre after that. I'll remember the crabs n chickens.

:D

---

FLASHBACK: May 30th - Janice's Aristal Concert

First met Feli early at J8 to complete our survival kit for Jac to take with her on her 2 week stint in rural China and then afterwards when Jac came, proceeded to buying flowers from the nearby florist (the exact same one where we had bought the jubilate flowers from last year) and then off we went to NUS UCC. Oh and somehow, for the entire night, I became entrusted with the responsiblity of carrying everybody's flowers. So much so that Jac and Feli kept commenting I looked like I was on a delivery for a florist.

Janice, Little One, The dancer. & a remarkably brilliant one at that!

Finally, a decent GRG shot

Smatterings of 04 that we could gather

& even managed to snap one with Enqin. Junior & Senior shot. I've got big shoes to fill.

FLASHBACK: June 9th - Alas, Day Out With Lousie
Today was amazing. Movie (Chronicles of Narnia : Prince Caspian) & Lunch & some good ol' catching up.

It was a reunion of two friends who through the course of their 16 years have found themselves untimely torn away from each other over, and over, and over again.

I finally found myself catching up with Lousie Jane again after almost 2 years of not seeing each other in the flesh.

MSN convos will never suffice because meeting up in person.. you just seem to have that much more to say to each other.

I know there's somewhere deep down inside of me that still thinks of how different everything would've been if our luck had been any better. But fate, always the fickle friend, had long decided that the world will not see Louise and Tracy crossing paths again after gifting them 4 years of that prior.

But still, it remains. & still, we will continue to keep in touch. Just like we have for the past 10 years (nearly).

---

FLASHBACK: Mid-June (selected extract after June 14th - NYEC actual day)
Much has been happening especially council-related stuff. Been thoroughly enjoying myself at the NYEC dry-runs even if most of the time it is a waste of time. But it definitely gave us the opportunities for some of us to establish bonds of friendships that'll be harder to come by once the craziness of school life kicks in when term 3 starts proper.

270 degrees plus qiu lin during one of the many dry-runs

Today was memorable though.

Started off with the sleepover (though not much of sleeping was done of course) at Ci Yuan Community Centre's Dance Studio which was good fun.

Then the next day was just hard work for a good 8 hours.

I have a completely new reverence for station masters now. (& here I thought being a station master at last would mean slightly less work from running around the island like I always have done) Explaining an already complicated game 21 times is no easy feet I'm telling you. But at least I had two fine friends to help me get through the day.

& then of course there was the running behind a minister (probably for the very first and last time in my life) during the EnvirOlympics torch relay. I know he had a whole concession flanking him and all that, but it was even more memorable because.. we were in front. The bunch of us from NJ. Talk about being National pride.

The day ended off with dinner and a few games at the arcade back at good ol' J8 (I can be quite persuasive when I want things to be in my direction).

Next up on the schedule: Somewhere with a good air hockey table to play with council people!

*

This is only the beginning. There's still a long, long road ahead. But we'll make it through, somehow we will. I'll bet my bottom dollar on that.

---

The past few days have pretty much been lots of chillaxing, a smattering of grooming joey (cos I swear the new neighbour's dog passed him some skin rash), late nights texting/on the phone/IMing, jigsaw puzzling and many more. This is how a holiday should be. No deadlines to meet, no schedule to keep up with, completely no strings attached.

Okay fine maybe there are the deadlines to meet, but right now.. I just can't bring myself to care. I don't see why I should if everyone else has pushed it to the back of their minds anyway. I have to enjoy the very last few days of freedom and carefreeness before we're tossed back into the asylum again.

BIG SIGH.

Nothing's going to be the same once these last 4 days are up...

But I'll hold on to our after-NS-when-we're-in-Uni-dream. It'll keep me going, for now. Just make sure you hold on too..
---

We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments.

But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.

"Autumn burned brightly, a running flame through the mountains, a torch flung to the trees."

Wednesday, May 21, 2008 @ 8:02 PM

Pinnacle

After days and weeks of pestering from Kor,

I have finally been persuaded.

I am going to... believe.

"Think about it, how long was the break between their first and second final? You may never be able to witness another Manchester United Champions League Final in your entire lifetime. On top of that, Sir Alex is retiring soon, Man U may become a completely different team... You'll be doing exams for at least another 10 years of your life. But I know for sure if you don't watch this match, you'll live to regret it for the rest of your life..."

It went along the lines of that. I know, how convincing yeah? I suppose it sounded more convincing when you have him breathing your neck every occasional hour and asking if you've made up your mind yet.

I know, I love my brother.

Long story short, I'm going to watch the match. I have convinced myself that I am as ready as I can be for IS2101 and IS 2104 papers tomorrow and will thus sleep now and wake up at 2.45am to watch the ultimate match with Kor and parents.

Yes, for Man U, I will.

Man U over ASSweek, ANYTIME.

I mean, how can I ever afford to miss this!:

GLORY, GLORY MAN UNITED!

(lordsaveme.)

"Autumn burned brightly, a running flame through the mountains, a torch flung to the trees."

Sunday, May 04, 2008 @ 3:53 PM

Where's all the time gone?

So I signed in to blogger for the first time in eh, about 2 months. And I was greeted with one new post on WRWRWD. Immediately opened it excitedly, knowing it must be a letter from Louise! And true enough, it was and I just finished typing her a reply.

It must be some old childhood friends telepathy thingy cos I have been thinking about catching up with her for a few weeks along now.

And then I proceeded to my blog to read the new tags on the tagboard and gosh, it stirred up many emotions.

I have come to the conclusion that I have carelessly neglected my friends. Maybe everyone has just been caught up with the siren song of their lives. Maybe everyone has just been busy. Or maybe, that's just the excuse we give.

I feel really bad now because that's been the same excuse I've given since the year began. Although it isn't feasible to keep up with every single thing that happens to every single friend, the least I could've done was pop by for a HUAs convo, or a chat with Louise or even a nice afternoon tea with Steph, Sanda and Roxanne or even texting tomi.

But noooooo, i haven't done any of the above.

And I think that's deplorable of me as a friend.

Well, here's to changing that I hope.

I wonder what happened to me.
Just went to a blog I hadn't visited in about 3 years, scanned through the posts. Tracy's posts reminded me about myself too, it as if a certain fountain which used to overflow in the past had been drying up gradually.
Time does make a person grow, but the amount one grows is equal to the amount one loses. 3 years is a very long time to be self-centered.

I wonder what's happened to everyone really. Because, because I cannot for the life of me tell you what's happening in their lives. Not even briefly.

Sigh. So much for keeping in touch.

But it will change, I promise. And you all know I keep my promises.

On a lighter note (if it really is any more lighter),

My birthday's round the corner! :D

& after saying that, I am reminded of the godforsaken timing of assweek this year. So how lucky am I, my birthday falls on study day this year. Which means locking myself in the studyroom, mugging the day away in preparation for the papers the following day.

Urgh.

But I refuse to let that get me down.

I know some of you have been pestering me for a wishlist so I have compiled a very short one this time. Here it goes:

BIRTHDAY WISHLIST 2008:
- Jigsaw Puzzles! (Preferably 1000 pieces & above - to at least last me one day cos you know just how fast I devour these little babies)
-WESTLIFE merchandise :D (on the list every year, regardless)
-Earrings & Necklaces
-New strikeball or at least charity funding for it (it's gonna be at least $350++ this time! :( )

So that's about it for this year. & like I always say, I'll be happy with just a greeting and a card/letter (:
(Reminder for janice, annual pencil-letter please!)

***

I know I haven't given an update of what exactly has been happening in my life. But, so much has happened that I'll need at least one whole day to just sit down and reflect on EVERYTHING. Perhaps during the holidays, just not now for sure.

Next on the agenda: Attend Gayle's piano concert @ the esplanade

So this is all for now, probably won't be posting till June.

"Autumn burned brightly, a running flame through the mountains, a torch flung to the trees."